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Keywords


These are (no joke) actual keywords that were used in searches that made their way to asklopan.com.

ugly chicks
furries
chicks dig toy trains
butt cleavage
butt crack jean pictures
evil chirldren
monkey farts
douche bags
female foreskin
free balling stories
freeballing blogs
red bull and benadryl
pictures of female plumbers butt crack
bacon gifts
women pictures mid-life crisis
cheeries as emo symbols why
handicap bathroom etiquette
explosive diareah in public videos
bible verses for expectant moms
crying while eating and cats that look like hitler
pictures of men foreskins
leather clad japanese women
horse genitals
foreskins
men ask the damndest things
running white man
bible verses used by navy seals
mr rogers
pull your pans dan
bacon gifts
catfight thailand hairpulls
picture of men free balling
crying while eating
owl crap
no paper towels down toilet pan please dave
photograph monkey throwing crap
confronting filth in a bathroom
lizardmen bush
small penis

Capitolism!


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Click here to buy posters!
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Capitolism!

Your soul is mine!

Crack makes you skinny!



"Who the hell is Lo Pan?", you may ask. Lo Pan is a child's laughter, a swift kick in the crotch, a prize at the bottom of a cereal box. He is all of the great things we hold dear in this world.

Simply yet unequivocally, Lo Pan is a catalyst in our world, here to purge the filth that natural selection is no longer able to cleanse. And for that Lo Pan, we thank you.



Christmas Time is Here


So it's that time of year again. Well, ho ho ho. Lopan is most likely going to spend Christmas in Vegas this year. I figure you can't go wrong with a cheap bottle of Peppermint Shnapps and a Circus Circus Holiday buffet. Also, the hookers are much more friendly in the off-season. As it were, I will not be spending the holidays with my friends and family, but do not fear, your presents are on the way. There was much more, but I have a soft spot in my heart for cordial cherries and beef stick, and much did not make it's way to being wrapped. So hopefully my minions may enjoy the plethora of wonderful gifts I am giving this year. Happy F*$%ing Holidays from your pal Lopan!

Mom and Dad - A Leopard Print Snuggie



What better way to stay comfy and turn on dad all at the same time.

Grandma and Grandpa - Gravy Fountain



Grandma's famous gravy can now be celebrated in it's full splendor.

My Sweetheart - P-Mate





I've caught you trying to pee standing up and it's nothing to be embarrassed about. Now you can pee anyway you like!

Sister Li - Goat Chair



I know you love animals! Enjoy!

Uncle Jenny - A Doll And Some Rope



This one was actually at his/her request. Have fun!

Cousin Amberly - A painting of Chistopher Walken in his garage, wearing al denim, listening to records, drinking Tab, building Optimus Prime

You've always been the artsy one, and art doesn't get any better than this.

Uncle Don - Dog Sex



This guy on Craig's List will let you make out with his dog for $50. It's all set up for ya big guy.

Doug - Booze



It comes with the angry German boy too. I hope you don't mind.

Tim - Hairy Baby Doll



You know how you're always telling me you want to shave a baby? Now you can and not go to jail!

Jill - Believe In God Breath Spray



You always have a rough time during the holiday because your Atheist. Now you can enjoy Christmas with the rest of us!

Rob - Mice finger puppets



I made them myself :)

Me - An Indian Midget



I finally splurged on one! He comes with suspenders, sunglasses and a gun. Awesome.

Lo Pan Gets A Job

Dear Lo Pan, Where have you been? Hey Dave, Why no more updates? Dear Supreme..... Ok, enough already! Get off my dick! I don't post for a few months and everyone starts pissing their panties. I am the great Lo Pan and I will give you updates when I deem you worthy. You should find yourself lucky that I would acknowledge your pitiful existence. But I digress. The true reason I have been gone is because I lost my job and have been investing all my time in finding another.

Who would have guessed that an economic downturn would lead to a degenerative demand for Supreme Asian Overlords. Speaking of which, why in the hell did Kim Jong Il get to keep his job and I got the boot? But alas, in finding myself in this predicament, and the supply of Raman growing thin, it was time to hit the streets.



Well, lesson number one came pretty damn quick. No one hits the streets anymore and apparently walking into a business and demandaing that all bow before me lest they suffer the wrath my angry genitalia is often:

1 - Frowned upon
2 - Discouraged
3 - An easy way to wind up in jail with others that also have angry genitalia.

So I went home and wanted the Facts Of Life. What better way to get me pointed in the right direction. In this episode Tuti was having problems getting used to the fact that she was blossoming into a young woman, so she sought solace and advise from her school councilor. I looked this up on the interwebs and found the closest thing like this for an adult is the unemployment office.

"So what are you good at?" the lady at the unemployment office counter asked me. "Raping toilet bowls" I answered matter of factley. "You need to take this serious sir!", came her reply. I was taking it seriously, but not wanting to delve in to the value I could bring to a company by systematically raping their toilets, I moved on. "I am good at attracting people to my website.", I replied, showing her my portfolio. "Sir, I have had just about enough!"...


She explained to me that this was not a marketable talent per say, but that they had my people looking for skills in the areas of data analysis, so off I went on my first job interview. I am not allowed to go into details, but lets just say that some do take kindly to the threat of angry genitalia. That was that. I had a new job at Vandelay Industries. The leaders in the importer/exporter market. Why, on my first week I was assigned a huge project. Well, a few weeks go by in a blur of drunken cough syrup drinking debauchery, and suddenly my project was due. I'm not sure what they think they were looking for, but I gave them what they needed...


Well... It didn't go over very well but due to getting into the company through dubious means, I was demoted to the marketing department. I got placed on the family togetherness project. Again, I gave them a masterpiece and they shot it down.


They gave me another chance, something that to them was a throw away project, something they didn't care about. The colt .45 campaign. And it was at that point I bestowed upon the world my Mona Lisa.


They were thrilled and Colt .45 sales went through the roof. And it was at that point where I decided I could not allow my creative talents to be stifled by the cooperate world. So I quit. I have since moved on to pursuing my dream as an inventor. Behold...Poopy Time Fun Shapes!


Yes, now you to can shit stars and hearts, just like unicorns. While not catching on in the states, the Shit Shaper is huge in Germany and Iceland, but oddly enough, used by adults instead of kids. Anyway, there. So that's why I havnt' been updating lately. Now go f*%& yourselves.

Love,
David Lo Pan

Lo Pan's Top 10 Videos of 2008

With the year wrapping up I have decided to bestow upon you one last gift of 2008. These are my top 10 favorite videos that never made it onto my Videos That Please Lopan section. From cats in a box to a naked transsexual Spaniard wrapped in the American Flag, your merriment will be plentiful and your joy shall be, um, joyous. So, for lack of better words, enjoy!

10. Box Kitteh



9. Sprinkler Rainbow Conspiracy



8. Little Superstar Vs Herbie Hancock



7. Iraqi Gansta Kid



6. Plus Size Is Happening



5. Greatest Keytar Solo Of All Time



4. Rejected



3. Benny Lava



2. Oprah Baited By Anonymous Into Saying 9000 Penises On TV



1. La Pequeña Hillary Clinton



Vote Damnit!!!

The presidential election is just around the corner and Lo Pan thinks it’s time we all sat down and had a little chat. Let’s first get this straight that I, David Lo Pan, am not Republican or Democrat. The party system has destroyed our “democracy” and left us in a state of totalitarianism. Totalitarianism is defined as a political system where a state regulates nearly every aspect of public and private life. Totalitarian regimes maintain themselves in political power by means of an all-embracing ideology and propaganda that is disseminated through media and its leaders. The government controls the economy. The government uses mass surveillance, secret prisons and fear mongering to control the populace.

Sound a little familiar? Look, Lo Pan is no conspiracy theorist, but it’s time we all take a step back and be willing to call shenanigans on our politicians. But here’s the important part. Change will not come by sitting by and watching this all happen. I quite frankly don’t like either candidate, but there’s a big difference in the kind of country we will live in if one candidate wins over the other. Quite frankly I’d rather have a spineless president then an evil president. I’d rather a party of pussies rule than a party of manipulative liars.



Lets analyze some facts:

* The Bush administration has raised our national debt by 4 trillion dollars. But Lo Pan you say, that doesn’t matter because it’s not Bush who’s record we should consider, it’s McCain’s. Well, considering the FACT that McCain voted with Bush 95 percent of the time , I would beg to differ.

* McCain runs on a platform of financial reform, but McCain’s campaign advisors and fundraisers are long-time lobbyists for the mortgage industry, the insurance industry and the oil industry.

* McCain will cut taxes but the majority of it will go to the big corporations. 4 billion to just 5 oil companies and 2 billion to the 10 biggest insurance companies. He argues that this will help everyone, but I believe our economies current state is proof that trickle-down economics does not work.

* McCain and the Keating Five. Why does the media ignore this important story?

* Palin is a f*&%ing moron. But even worse, she’s a corrupt moron. From forcing rape victims to pay for rape kits and insisting abortion should still be illegal in cases of rape and incest, to an independent ethics inquiry showing that she abused her position as governor, Palin is stupid and dangerous. Sound like someone else we’ve known for the last 8 years?

Look, Obama isn’t that great either, but when it comes down to it, we can’t let McCain win. Our country is in bad times right now and McCain and Palin are the last thing our country needs. We need to get pointed in the right direction and get our country back on track. While Obama isn’t perfect, I’ll be voting for him not as the lesser of 2 evils, but the better of 2 choices. In all honesty, almost anyone would be a better choice than McCain.

People who would make a better president than McCain

Hannibal



 Hannibal has the solutions to end world hunger!

Dr. Doom



 He is an excellent debater. One might say a master debater.

Juggalos

They, um… Never mind. I think I’m wrong about this one.

Freaky Infomercial Guy

He’s got 1001 ways to make our country rich.

Ronald McDonald

He may be abusive, but only if you deserve it.

Guy who lives in his moms basement

Our ONLY chance of capturing Bin Laden!

Zod From Superman

Pragmatism and pleather. Who could ask for anything more?

The Mighty Wez From Mad Max

He will solve our oil crisis!

Get out and vote people! We can’t let our country be taken over by these horrible people with only money and power as their motives. If too many people just sit there and do nothing, there is a chance these crooks could slide on in. Perhaps the most important lesson I can bestow upon you is this:





Lo Pan Rates The Olympics

It's official... Lo Pan has the Olympics spirit! Being of Chinese decent and also being an American, I have Olympic fever running all through me, seeping into areas I never new existed and sometimes leaking out at night. But never the less, I am very happy and excited! Quite frankly, Lo Pan has always believed women had no place in sports. Womans softball is just an excuse for like minded women to all enjoy a shower together, and I've yet to figure out why in the hell the WNBA is still around. But during the Olympics, to my surprise I found that not only are there sports both women and men really can compete in, their are sports I'd much rather watch a women play (and some sports I'd rather not see at all). Please enjoy Lo Pan Rates The Olympics!

Swimming

Women
It's great watching our nations young women achive greatness



Men
As it is also great to watch dolphin boy tear sh1t up



Track And Field

Women
But there are some faces a woman should only make in bed



Men
Let me hear ya say yeee-aaahhh!!!



Volleyball

Women
Please excuse Lo Pan while he drops the kids off at the pool



Men
Nevermind, my spike just got blocked



Weightlifting

Women
Sweet mother of God!



Men
I'm at a total loss for words



Gymnastics

Women
And she's 20...NICE



Men
No man, look a little to the left. You left your manhood at the door



And finally....um....err...

Womens?
........



Mens?
W......T......F





Lo Pan's Summer Vacation

Alas, I Lo Pan am back from my hiatus and have returned to share my tales of boredom and debauchery. Some of you may have noticed I've been away for a while. You know, I just had to get away. Some dude sent me a email introducing Lo Pan to "Clown Porn". Trust me on this one, do not Google this. Losing all faith in humanity at this point, I packed up and headed for the safest place I know; Grandma and Grandpa's house down in Florida.



While I was welcomed at first I was quickly put to work mowing the lawn and rubbing my grandma's bunions. This was more traumatic than clown porn and I had to flee quickly. I decided to hit up my uncle CB (short for Chicken in a Biscuit). On the way to his trailer I ran across the funniest damn sign. I took a picture for all of you!



In hindsight this was more or less a warning of what was to come when I visited ol CB.



Alright, now that sh1t was worse that the bunion massages and this was by no means the kind of rest a relaxation I was looking for. Lo Pan was in dire times and I did the only thing that made sense, I hit the beach. I've seen MTV and Girls Gone Wild and expected so much more, but I'll tell you, Florida beaches are nothing like what they portray on TV.



What the hell was I to do? I was a lost sailor in a sea of retardation. Then it came to me... ASK LOHAN! How could I have been so blind?!?! I called up Lindsay and it turns out she was chilling at a beach house on the Jersey shore and she invited me to come on down! I drove to Jersey as fast as my Chrysler LaBaron could get me! Wow, was Lindsay a sight for sore eyes. She was on house arrest and had to wear an ankle bracelet, but that didn't stop us from painting the town red!



Lindsay and I had such a wonderful time. Walking down the board walk we stopped and had her picture drawn...



We ate some ice cream and a corn dog... We had our palms read by a fortune teller... Then we smoked a ton of crack and just stared out to sea forever.



Finally we wrapped up the day with a game at Yankee stadium!





So that was it. A few days later Lindsay was hauled away for breaking house arrest and I had nothing left to do so I came back home. It's good to be back!





Springtime Sucks

Oh goodie you say, it's springtime. Bah! Spring sucks. From the assault of evil flower pollen upon my sinuses to the squawks of pretentious birds in the morning. Oh look at me, I'm a bird, I'm important. Wrong, your a dick and you woke Lo Pan up so eff off. So a few weeks ago I had enough of the watery eyes and the feeling of a vice grip squeezing at my temples, so I went down to the store and bought some Benadryl. While I was there I also picked up a Red Bull and a 1/5 of Jack and a loaf of french bread.



It gets a little fuzzy from there and next thing I know I'm calling up my home girl Joyce. I've known this chick since the 60's right after here self titled breakout album: Joyce. Don't let her looks fool you. This crazy chick is hard. She used to run with NWA and word on the street is she once stabbed a man in the face with a knitting needle, then pee'd on him while he layed curled up on the ground crying.





Well, I don't know how she talked me into it, but she had the bright idea of me, her and Mr. T starting up a daycare. I hate kids but she insisted this had nothing to do about the kids, we could leave them alone with Mr. T while me and her hit the gentleman's clubs with the dough we made. My only job I had to worry about was preparing the snacks and lunches. Mr. T is damn fool when it comes to the culinary arts and Joyce isn't out of bed before noon. Oh the kids loves Mr. Lo Pan's food for sure, but the little SOB's creep me out more than anything.





The daycare was unfortunately very short lived as Mr. T mixed up the advise he constantly gave them. Apparently he was telling the kids to eat their drugs, don't do school, and stay in greens. This lead to felony charges for contributing to the delinquency of minors. The school was shutdown and Mr. T is awaiting trial. I'm pretty sure this all happened until I kinda snapped to lying on the couch, with an empty box of Benadryl and 1/2 a bottle of Jack at my feet, while a rerun of Blossom was playing on TV at full blast. Either which way, I hate spring.




Lo Pan For President

Don't believe all the crap you've heard about having to choose a republican or a democrat. This fall, I, David Liam Lo Pan am running as an independent for President Of The United States! My fellow countrymen. I come before you today to say, you have a choice. You do not have to vote for McCain. You do not have to vote for Obama. You do not have to vote for the lesser of 2 evils when what you really know what you want is the greatest of all evils! The American party system has nothing to do about your parties candidate winning. It is all about your opponent parties candidate losing. So join me this fall, when we shall gloat in the face of our adversaries and say "Ha! You lost!".



My past political record proves I am the man who can take ANY candidate down!McCain? Obama? Jesus? Bring it on!!!











Ok, I've got to rant... Click here if you want to lend an ear to the serious side of Lo Pan.


Lo Pan's Phobias


Believe it or not, there are some things in this world that makes Lo Pan's skin just crawl and other things that make me afraid to leave the house. Yes, I, the great Lo Pan, do indeed have some phobias. However, after you see my reasons, I believe you too shall understand why we must work together to cleanse the world of these horrible creatures.

Horses



Take the stupidest animal in the world, make it 600 pounds, then tell people they should ride it and let it live in fields in our cities and countryside. This demon beast has been prophicied in the Bible as the bringer of the appocolypse (And I looked, and behold a pale horse: and his name that sat on him was Death.) These animals threaten humanity itself. They will go so far as to charge a moving car in order to attack their helpless victim.



Seals



Disguising themselves as cute cuddly sea creatures, these fowl creatures want nothing more than to eat children wading in the the shallow surf at the beach. Contrary to populare beleif, these evil preditors not only live in the artic, but also in sewers and amusment parks.



Clowns



First, just think what kind of screwed up person would want to dress like this. Next, consider these people seek out children in an attempt to make them "happy". Finally consider many walk away scarred for life by these interactions. Wait, did I mean clowns or Catholic priests? Hmmm... You decide.



Female Body Builders



Look, Lo Pan is very comfortable in his masculinity and is actually turned on by the thought of being with a woman who can beat him up. However, there is something very wrong with female body builders. I don't know if it's their weird faces, their freakish body, or just the fact that they also smell like old spice, but I will walk to the other side of the street to avoid them.



Carrot Top



With the body of a horse, the lust for childrens blood of a seal, the face of a clown, and the un-namable freakishness of a female body builder, Carrot Top embodies ALL that is evil in the world. Not only is he the anti-christ, even worse he has soiled the fine art of prop comedy and turned it it nothing but sad joke, just one step above mimes. Watching my old Galager VHS tapes has never been the same.




The Easter Bunny Is Evil

For anyone who still has doubts about an evil easter bunny roaming the streets after reviewing the evidence in Pictures That Please Lo Pan, this video provides indisputable proof!