dark dimension latest foe web

Archives

Keywords


These are (no joke) actual keywords that were used in searches that made their way to asklopan.com.

pictures of female plumbers butt crack
bacon gifts
women pictures mid-life crisis
cheeries as emo symbols why
handicap bathroom etiquette
explosive diareah in public videos
bible verses for expectant moms
crying while eating and cats that look like hitler
pictures of men with foreskins
leather clad japanese women
horse genitals
foreskins
men ask the damndest things
running white man
bible verses used by navy seals
mr rogers
pull your pans dan
bacon gifts
catfight thailand hairpulls
picture of men free balling
crying while eating
owl crap
no paper towels down toilet pan please dave
photograph monkey throwing crap
confronting filth in a bathroom
lizardmen bush
small penis
ugly chicks

Capitolism!


Humor-Blogs.com

Operators are standing by!


Click here to buy posters!
Click here to buy posters!

Capitolism!

Your soul is mine!

Crack makes you skinny!



"Who the hell is Lo Pan?", you may ask. Lo Pan is a child's laughter, a swift kick in the crotch, a prize at the bottom of a cereal box. He is all of the great things we hold dear in this world.

Simply yet unequivocally, Lo Pan is a catalyst in our world, here to purge the filth that natural selection is no longer able to cleanse. And for that Lo Pan, we thank you.



Lo Pan Rates The Olympics

It's official... Lo Pan has the Olympics spirit! Being of Chinese decent and also being an American, I have Olympic fever running all through me, seeping into areas I never new existed and sometimes leaking out at night. But never the less, I am very happy and excited! Quite frankly, Lo Pan has always believed women had no place in sports. Womans softball is just an excuse for like minded women to all enjoy a shower together, and I've yet to figure out why in the hell the WNBA is still around. But during the Olympics, to my surprise I found that not only are there sports both women and men really can compete in, their are sports I'd much rather watch a women play (and some sports I'd rather not see at all). Please enjoy Lo Pan Rates The Olympics!

Swimming

Women
It's great watching our nations young women achive greatness



Men
As it is also great to watch dolphin boy tear sh1t up



Track And Field

Women
But there are some faces a woman should only make in bed



Men
Let me hear ya say yeee-aaahhh!!!



Volleyball

Women
Please excuse Lo Pan while he drops the kids off at the pool



Men
Nevermind, my spike just got blocked



Weightlifting

Women
Sweet mother of God!



Men
I'm at a total loss for words



Gymnastics

Women
And she's 20...NICE



Men
No man, look a little to the left. You left your manhood at the door



And finally....um....err...

Womens?
........



Mens?
W......T......F





Lo Pan's Summer Vacation

Alas, I Lo Pan am back from my hiatus and have returned to share my tales of boredom and debauchery. Some of you may have noticed I've been away for a while. You know, I just had to get away. Some dude sent me a email introducing Lo Pan to "Clown Porn". Trust me on this one, do not Google this. Losing all faith in humanity at this point, I packed up and headed for the safest place I know; Grandma and Grandpa's house down in Florida.



While I was welcomed at first I was quickly put to work mowing the lawn and rubbing my grandma's bunions. This was more traumatic than clown porn and I had to flee quickly. I decided to hit up my uncle CB (short for Chicken in a Biscuit). On the way to his trailer I ran across the funniest damn sign. I took a picture for all of you!



In hindsight this was more or less a warning of what was to come when I visited ol CB.



Alright, now that sh1t was worse that the bunion massages and this was by no means the kind of rest a relaxation I was looking for. Lo Pan was in dire times and I did the only thing that made sense, I hit the beach. I've seen MTV and Girls Gone Wild and expected so much more, but I'll tell you, Florida beaches are nothing like what they portray on TV.



What the hell was I to do? I was a lost sailor in a sea of retardation. Then it came to me... ASK LOHAN! How could I have been so blind?!?! I called up Lindsay and it turns out she was chilling at a beach house on the Jersey shore and she invited me to come on down! I drove to Jersey as fast as my Chrysler LaBaron could get me! Wow, was Lindsay a sight for sore eyes. She was on house arrest and had to wear an ankle bracelet, but that didn't stop us from painting the town red!



Lindsay and I had such a wonderful time. Walking down the board walk we stopped and had her picture drawn...



We ate some ice cream and a corn dog... We had our palms read by a fortune teller... Then we smoked a ton of crack and just stared out to sea forever.



Finally we wrapped up the day with a game at Yankee stadium!





So that was it. A few days later Lindsay was hauled away for breaking house arrest and I had nothing left to do so I came back home. It's good to be back!





Springtime Sucks

Oh goodie you say, it's springtime. Bah! Spring sucks. From the assault of evil flower pollen upon my sinuses to the squawks of pretentious birds in the morning. Oh look at me, I'm a bird, I'm important. Wrong, your a dick and you woke Lo Pan up so eff off. So a few weeks ago I had enough of the watery eyes and the feeling of a vice grip squeezing at my temples, so I went down to the store and bought some Benadryl. While I was there I also picked up a Red Bull and a 1/5 of Jack and a loaf of french bread.



It gets a little fuzzy from there and next thing I know I'm calling up my home girl Joyce. I've known this chick since the 60's right after here self titled breakout album: Joyce. Don't let her looks fool you. This crazy chick is hard. She used to run with NWA and word on the street is she once stabbed a man in the face with a knitting needle, then pee'd on him while he layed curled up on the ground crying.





Well, I don't know how she talked me into it, but she had the bright idea of me, her and Mr. T starting up a daycare. I hate kids but she insisted this had nothing to do about the kids, we could leave them alone with Mr. T while me and her hit the gentleman's clubs with the dough we made. My only job I had to worry about was preparing the snacks and lunches. Mr. T is damn fool when it comes to the culinary arts and Joyce isn't out of bed before noon. Oh the kids loves Mr. Lo Pan's food for sure, but the little SOB's creep me out more than anything.





The daycare was unfortunately very short lived as Mr. T mixed up the advise he constantly gave them. Apparently he was telling the kids to eat their drugs, don't do school, and stay in greens. This lead to felony charges for contributing to the delinquency of minors. The school was shutdown and Mr. T is awaiting trial. I'm pretty sure this all happened until I kinda snapped to lying on the couch, with an empty box of Benadryl and 1/2 a bottle of Jack at my feet, while a rerun of Blossom was playing on TV at full blast. Either which way, I hate spring.




Lo Pan For President

Don't believe all the crap you've heard about having to choose a republican or a democrat. This fall, I, David Liam Lo Pan am running as an independent for President Of The United States! My fellow countrymen. I come before you today to say, you have a choice. You do not have to vote for McCain. You do not have to vote for Obama. You do not have to vote for the lesser of 2 evils when what you really know what you want is the greatest of all evils! The American party system has nothing to do about your parties candidate winning. It is all about your opponent parties candidate losing. So join me this fall, when we shall gloat in the face of our adversaries and say "Ha! You lost!".



My past political record proves I am the man who can take ANY candidate down!McCain? Obama? Jesus? Bring it on!!!











Ok, I've got to rant... Click here if you want to lend an ear to the serious side of Lo Pan.


Lo Pan's Phobias


Believe it or not, there are some things in this world that makes Lo Pan's skin just crawl and other things that make me afraid to leave the house. Yes, I, the great Lo Pan, do indeed have some phobias. However, after you see my reasons, I believe you too shall understand why we must work together to cleanse the world of these horrible creatures.

Horses



Take the stupidest animal in the world, make it 600 pounds, then tell people they should ride it and let it live in fields in our cities and countryside. This demon beast has been prophicied in the Bible as the bringer of the appocolypse (And I looked, and behold a pale horse: and his name that sat on him was Death.) These animals threaten humanity itself. They will go so far as to charge a moving car in order to attack their helpless victim.



Seals



Disguising themselves as cute cuddly sea creatures, these fowl creatures want nothing more than to eat children wading in the the shallow surf at the beach. Contrary to populare beleif, these evil preditors not only live in the artic, but also in sewers and amusment parks.



Clowns



First, just think what kind of screwed up person would want to dress like this. Next, consider these people seek out children in an attempt to make them "happy". Finally consider many walk away scarred for life by these interactions. Wait, did I mean clowns or Catholic priests? Hmmm... You decide.



Female Body Builders



Look, Lo Pan is very comfortable in his masculinity and is actually turned on by the thought of being with a woman who can beat him up. However, there is something very wrong with female body builders. I don't know if it's their weird faces, their freakish body, or just the fact that they also smell like old spice, but I will walk to the other side of the street to avoid them.



Carrot Top



With the body of a horse, the lust for childrens blood of a seal, the face of a clown, and the un-namable freakishness of a female body builder, Carrot Top embodies ALL that is evil in the world. Not only is he the anti-christ, even worse he has soiled the fine art of prop comedy and turned it it nothing but sad joke, just one step above mimes. Watching my old Galager VHS tapes has never been the same.




The Easter Bunny Is Evil

For anyone who still has doubts about an evil easter bunny roaming the streets after reviewing the evidence in Pictures That Please Lo Pan, this video provides indisputable proof!