David Lo Pan For President
Some feel that what America needs an honest, blue collar, God fearing patriot, who will work hard to restore our countries good name. A man who will lead this country to greatness. A president who will restore the civil liberties our countries forefathers fought so hard to make a right to all from day one. (Well, except for Blacks and Indians, but 1 out of 3 isn't bad, right?) But then there are those who realize the truth. True freedom isn't a right, it's a privilege. A privilege that must be earned. Earned by blindly adhering to the laws of the land, with an unquestioning loyalty to your country. Only then will you be free. Free and secure. A security that can only be granted by waging war on all who would stand against us (and even those who don't), so that they may know, WE ARE AMERICA! U-S-A!!! U-S-A!!! U-S-A!!!
So I, David Lo Pan am here to say I shall be your leader! I am not honest, nor am I blue collar, however I am a God and do agree that all should fear me. I will work hard to ensure all Americans can continue to:
* Have a Starbucks no furthur than 5 miles away from you no matter where you are.
* Enjoy must see tv.
* Not know or care about what goes on in the rest of the world.
* At all times have a young female celebrity you can obsess over.
* Get a pizza to your house faster than an ambulance.
The Issues:
Who gives a sh1t!?!?
Yes, that's right, the only issue that really matters is "Who gives a sh1t!?!?" Why? Well, why should you give a sh1t!?!? You've got enough to worry about, right? Actually, you have the right to not give a sh1t!!! That's why this country is so great today!!! Admit it. When it comes down to it, you really don't give a sh1t. Be proud! I am the only candidate who on this issue urges you to not give a sh1t! Only then can our country continue on this great path we are on!
Talking points for the other "issues":
Health Care - You've got it right? Well, if you do then, who gives a sh1t!?!? (If you don't then get a real job hippy!)
Immigration Reform - Your a citizen, right? Then who gives a sh1t!?!? (If you aren't... LA MIGRA!!!!)
Taxes - Has you caring about this really ever made a difference? Comes on, who gives a sh1t!?!?
Social Security - You should all ready be accustomed to the fact it will be gone before your eligible, so who gives a sh1t? If you already have it, then you have nothing to worry about (if you try to do anything about it, I'll give you something to worry about!)
War And Foreign Policy - Do you like feeling safe and not having to worry about car bombs when you walk outside your door? Well guess what, we need to kill lots of people to make sure that doesn't happen here. The only way to ensure your security is to take it away from others. So, unless you enjoy car bombs, just don't give a sh1t!
Spread The Word!
Everyone will be much happier when I become president if you just go along with it. Let's be honest, you really don't have a choice. The electoral system is set up to ensure that no matter what, a president can be inserted into office regardless of the vote count (besides, I'm a member of Skull and Bones, so I'm a shoe in). Lets all just get on the same page and VOTE LO PAN! Remember, a vote for Lo Pan, is a vote for freedom. INDEED!!!
