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Keywords


These are (no joke) actual keywords that were used in searches that made their way to asklopan.com.

horse genitals
foreskins
men ask the damndest things
running white man
bible verses used by navy seals
mr rogers
pull your pans dan
bacon gifts
catfight thailand hairpulls
picture of men free balling
crying while eating
owl crap
no paper towels down toilet pan please dave
photograph monkey throwing crap
confronting filth in a bathroom
lizardmen bush
small penis
ugly chicks

Capitolism!


Humor-Blogs.com

Operators are standing by!


Click here to buy posters!
Click here to buy posters!

Capitolism!

Your soul is mine!

Crack makes you skinny!



"Who the hell is Lo Pan?", you may ask. Lo Pan is a child's laughter, a swift kick in the crotch, a prize at the bottom of a cereal box. He is all of the great things we hold dear in this world.

Simply yet unequivocally, Lo Pan is a catalyst in our world, here to purge the filth that natural selection is no longer able to cleanse. And for that Lo Pan, we thank you.



Lo Pan's guide to being an emo



Be sad
Never smile, ever (unless it is in mocking the pain of a non-emo). You MUST be sad. It doesn't matter if your upper or middle class and have conveniences, luxuries, opportunities and freedoms that many in the world will never have. The point is no one understands you. How could they? Life isn't exactly how you want it to be, your parents won't buy you an iphone, and you have to take phys ed when you have no interest in sports whatsoever. Oh the pain!





Be a nonconformist
The absolute best way to show everyone how you refuse to conform is to look exactly like an emo. Show people you just don't care by spending 45 minutes to get your messy emo hair just right. Make sure you apply lots of mascara or clown paint around your eyes to show the world your pain. Finally, make sure you look exactly like the rest of you emo friends by getting all of your clothes at the official non-conformist store; Hot Topic.





Cut your self
Nothing is a better cry for help than cutting yourself with a razor blade. That will show everyone how truly sad you are (believe me, they really do think this). This way you can get the attention from your family that you deserve and at the same time really impress your emo friends!





Write depressing poetry




Lo Pan Goes Christmas Shopping



Well, the holidays are here. I decided to try to get in the holiday spirit by going Christmas shopping. Being the proud Asian-American I am, I drove straight to Walmart so I can give back to the homeland. Here so early in my adventure, I already learned rule number 1 - Don't Go Christmas Shopping on Saturday. The parking lot was stuffed tighter than... oh....so many good ones to pic from.... hell, just google "tighter than" and you can pick your favorite. I'm driving around for what seems like hours to find a parking spot. There wern't even any handicap spaces to steal.Finally I spot 2 open spaces side by side. I make my approach when the soccer mom comes swinging around the corner in her white Escallade.

"No problem", I tell my self. Theres still the other spot for me. But then, to my utter dismay, the bizzle parks sideways across the 2 spots! I let loose a slue of profanities that would have made Sam Kinison cringe. But she just got out with her 2 little brats and walked away, not even acknowledging me. Something inside of me snapped. I drove up to the closest spot I could find to park; a lawn on the side of the store. I charged this demon b1tch from behind, her never the wiser to my pursuit. Each step, the blood boiling more and more til I jumped at here from behind and did the only sensible thing I could think of; gave her a reverse clothesline.



As she dropped to the ground, I yelled, "How do ya like me now!!!" However, I could not sit there and revel in my glory as people started to come after me, so I hurried and ran into the store. I was greeted by what I could only make out to be the crypt keeper. I was going to stay and share the story of my triumph as I knew one such as he would enjoy the tale, but the smell of urine was unbearable.



Alas, I moved on, but kindly accepted the cart he gave me. So ok, time to check the list; 7 people to buy for. Ah, a box of cordial cherries. 24 for 99 cents. Perfect! And what else should I find, but a book filled with Life Savers candies. Honestly, the cutest damn thing I've ever seen. All right, that takes care of everyone. Then I see it, the checkout line, or what looks more like a crowd of people waiting to get into a nascar race. I swear, one of em actually had a BBQ out grilling hotdogs while he was drinking Old Milwaukee. Here is where I learned rule number 2, choose carefully who you stand behind.



As I pushed my cart to what I thought to be the shortest line, little did I know that a 3 year old Damian was waiting to push me to the brink of insanity. It started off with him sitting there in his cart, staring at me while his mom was flipping through the tabloids. I don't know what his problem was, but he was really getting on my nerves. I shot him the bird real quick, but he wouldn't take a hint. "Ok, you want the bull", I said "then you get the horns." I gave him the freakiest face I could muster, pulling out all the stops with the green eyes and fire shooting from the mouth. Well, instead of taking his defeat like a normal human being, the kid freaked out. As he started crying hysterically, I turned to his mom, expecting a back lash. But this lady didn't even bat an eye. It was as if she had no clue this kid was screaming like a banshee.



She moved ahead to begin putting her stuff on the checkers counter. Whatever, I'm almost done here so I'll just move along. Then it happens. A smell comes over me so fowl that I throw up in my mouth. I look to the floor and find the source of this putrescence. I stepped in baby crap! People all around me are covering their mouths in horror. Despite this monstrosity on the sole of my shoe, I notice something else is suddenly different. I look up, only to see this evil demon child has stopped crying and is now just staring at me again...



"YOU DID THIS!!!", I screamed pointing my finger in his smug little face. "You just crapped on the floor... Your free balling it, aren't you?!?!" I then turn back to the mom, only see a brief glimpse of a rabid human /mother bear , before I was mauled by Lee Press On Nails of fury. As this wasn't enough, the sideway parking soccer mom had made her way into the store, spotted me, and joined in the barrage of attacks. I guess somewhere in there is rule # 3, but I'm not exactly sure what, so we'll just say, never accuse a child of free balling it when his white trash mom is near by. Long story short, I woke up in jail as apparently it's frowned upon if you clothesline a woman, but it's ok for them to beat you up after you step in their kids crap if you accuse their child of free balling it. Any who... Happy fricken holidays from your pal Lo Pan.



Lo Pan For President!



It is official! I, David Lo Pan have announced my candidacy for President Of The United States! For to long has Lo Pan sat idle. Some would wish to bring change to our wonderful country and I am here to make sure our great country stays exactly as it is! Click the Lo Pan 2008 link above!


Bible Verses That Please Lo Pan

One might not think Lo Pan is a religious man, but Lo Pan believes all religions have something good in them that can enrich the lives of anyone. With Christmas right around the corner, I though what better time than now to illustrate this point by sharing some of my favorite bible verses with you all. Enjoy.




Exodus 2:11-12



Special Ops, Navy Seals, Moses




II Kings 2:23-24


I'm sorry, what was that? Baldhead? Oh no you didn't... NO YOU DIDN'T!!!




Ezekiel 23:19-20


Show me anywhere else in the world where you can find donkey genitals and horse emissions mentioned in the same sentence! Actually, on second thought. No, please don't...




1 Samuel 18:25-27


FORESKINS!?!?! THIS IS SPARTA!!!




Shapeshifting Lizardmen Are Taking Over the World!



Many of the worlds leaders past and present were shape-shifting alien lizardmen. The in depth history of these facts can be found at SacredTexts.com However, if this is not proof enough for you, here is indisputable proof that the entire Bush family are lizard people. Wake up people. Don't blind your eyes to the truth!

George Bush Sr.



Barbara Bush



George W. Bush



The Lizardmen's Plan For America



The Truth Is Out There...



Bathroom Etiquette That Angers Lo Pan


DIE!!!

DIE!!!













I don't know how it is some people can just be so stupid when it comes to how one should act in a public bathroom. I would think it is something that would be encoded in ones DNA, yet time and time again I come across people in the bathroom I want to kill. So here is a manual for all of of you morons. Learn it, love it, live it.

Note: This only applies to mens bathrooms of course. I searched the web to find out what kind of bathroom etiquette was expected in womans bathrooms and stumbled upon a Pandora's box of horrors. For example, they have couches in many womens bathrooms. If they had a couch in a mens bathroom and any guy EVER sat in it, it would be socially acceptable to kick him in the face on the way out. Another example I found is that some women will hand paper towels to their friends who may or may not have already washed their hands. If a friend of mine ever handed me a paper towel in the bathroom, we would cease to be friends; period.

Choosing a Urinal



Simple. There is to be a space of 1 urinal between any urinators at all times. If these spaces are filled up, one may take a urinal next to one person, but may never sandwich oneself between two urinators. If you ever find yourself in a situation were the only spot left would put a urinator on both sides of you, the appropriate course of action is to go into a stall.

Talking



One may never initiate a conversation in the bathroom. The only words that should be spoken are signs of acknowledgment. "Hey" or "What's Up" are acceptable, but a grunt is the preferred method. If two friends ever enter the bathroom at the same time while in mid conversation, this is ok as long as the conversation ends the second they confront a urinal or enter a stall. If one ever attempts to talk to you from a stall or at the urinal, you may politely tell them to STFU.

Warning: To you talking on the cell phone while taking a dump people. Yes, you know who you are. If I ever come across you I will rip your heart out from your chest, eat it, then immediately excrete it from my bowels and shove it down your throat (all while I talk on my cellphone).

Eye Contact



One should never make eye contact in the bathroom. The only exception is eye contact made in the mirror while washing your hands, but only to acknowledge the presence of a person you know.

Do's and Don'ts

DO give a courtousy flush if you drop a bomb or have explosive diareah.

DON'T ever ask someone in the stall next to you for toilet paper if your out. Use your underwear and hide it out of site behind the toilet for the janitor to find (they love surprises like this!)

DO flush the urinal before you use it if the person before you did not. You should not be made to suffer the smell of the mixture of your's and another mans urine.

DON'T tap your feet slowly at the edge of a bathroom stall. If you do and are greeted by a happy fellow as you exit the stall that asks "so, your stall or mine?", you brought it on yourself.