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"Who the hell is Lo Pan?", you may ask. Lo Pan is a child's laughter, a swift kick in the crotch, a prize at the bottom of a cereal box. He is all of the great things we hold dear in this world.

Simply yet unequivocally, Lo Pan is a catalyst in our world, here to purge the filth that natural selection is no longer able to cleanse. And for that Lo Pan, we thank you.



Websites That Please Lo Pan
Part Duex


Humor Blogs - A great list of other weird blogs like Lo Pans.
248 Ways To Annoy People - A great place to study up on the fine art of annoyance.
The Twinkies Project - Have you ever wondered what a twinkie's reaction is to extreme radiation?
Bert Is Evil - Indisputable proof that Bert is truly evil!



Simpsonize Me - Upload a photo of yourself and be turned into a Simpson character.
Men Who Look Like Kenny Rogers - Your not alone out there.
I Can Has Cheezburger - Because you can never get tired of stupid cat pictures.



The Death Clock - A fun way to find out when you'll die!
Subservient Chicken - Make a guy in a chicken suit do your bidding.
Christopher Walken For President - THE only chance to save America.




My Haiku For The Fonz



Black leather clad God
Divine thumb points to heaven
Happy Days are here


What the world needs now are more ill-tempered monkeys



I came across a a story today on the BBC website about how the deputy mayor of Delhi was killed by a rag tag band of ill-tempered monkeys. The monkeys attacked him on a nice Saturday morning while he enjoyed breakfast on his 1st story terrace. He fell to his demise, suffering from head injuries. Now, while this is indeed a tragic story, Lo Pan always tries to see the good in life, and then it came to me. A vision, nay, an appifiny. The solution to the worlds problems; an army of militant ill-tempered monkeys! When you think of the worlds problems, they are largely centered around people not understanding or accepting another's point of view, or that they just have to damn much time on their hands.

Take the standoff between Israel and the Palestinian people. One side is sick of car bombs and mortar fire in their country while the other side is sick of an oppressive military occupation for the last 40 or so years. Easy right? "You! Knock it the hell off! And you! Get the hell out!" Problem solved, period. But people have to complicate matters. Now imagine this. An army of militant ill-tempered monkeys invade both countries. Friend and enemy alike are forced to fight together against the onslaught of violent monkeys, throwing crap and pushing people off of terraces. In the face of such adversity, people would be forced to see either we stand together as one, or the monkeys win.



Now lets take the problem of your average bored soccer mom. With menopause on it's way, and things not as great under the sheets as they used to be, this woman is a ticking time bomb of angst and rage, waiting to be let loose at the slightest provocation. Suddenly while backing out of her driveway, she fails to see little Billy riding is skateboard down the sidewalk. He stops in more than enough time, as she slams on her breaks, gets out of the car and tears Billy's head off for not being more careful. But can she leave it alone at this? No. She goes on a crusade, first to ban the riding of skateboards on the sidewalk, then the banning of all non-motorized wheeled transportation. And what's her reason. It's for the kids. For hells sake, think about the kids!



But can she leave it here? NO! She only gathers momentum, rallying against all transportation, wheeled or not, all the while crying her anthem, "Think about the kids! " Finally it ends in a system of no more cars, no more bikes, no more scooters, nothing but FORCED BUSING. Yes, what used to be a seldom romp on the bus to sit amongst the poor and homeless until you feel better about yourself now equates to an Orwellian systematic stripping of your rights, all because of one womans hormonal moanings.



Now imagine the same beginning. This woman pulls out slams on her brakes and goes on a tieraid on poor Billy. But they are not alone. Nestled in the high branches of a nearby tree lies Phillip (as he is so named by his fellow primates). Phillip already has a fowl temperament of having to be named Phillip, but now he is being subjected to an unbearable barrage of high pitched screams and yells, all during his nap time. Something snaps! Phillip launches himself from the tree atop the source of this deafening disruption of his happiness. Landing upon the womans shoulders, Phillip bites and claws at the womans face, leaving her a disfigured shadow of the woman she once was. Scared to leave her home again, she becomes the crazy neighborhood cats lady, never again to jeopardize the freewill of mankind!



I, David Lo Pan, hereby declair myself the leader of the Militant Ill-Tempered Army of Monkeys! I will unleash a furry upon this world that will be remembered for centuries to come. I will be the Lex Luthor of this tale, but who will be the Superman you may ask? No, not I, nor my army of monkeys, but the people who get up and say, "You! Knock it the hell off! And you! Get the hell out! And you! Shut the hell up and get back in your house before the monkeys get you!!! But now, what if I were to tell you this already has happened. What if I told you this is a war that has been waged since the dawn of time. What if you came to realize that you are not the angry woman. You are not Billy skateboarding down the suburb streets. You are not the politician, the martyr, the lawyer or suicide bomber. What if one day, you just realized, you are nothing but an ill-tempered monkey!

Watch and learn the truth.
Warning: Contains some bad language so may not be safe for work!


Hobbies That Please Lo Pan


Now some of you may be saying to yourself, "Didn't he already go over this?" (If your not saying this, then check out the Archives already! Geezze!) Anyway, taking pictures of Japanese women biting cat heads can get a little boring after a while. The original thrill has worn off, so once again Lo Pan has been on the search for new hobbies, and I have truly found some great ones. Enjoy!

People Stalker

This is an offshoot from the common hobby of People Watching, except that once you see someone interesting, you get up and follow them wherever they go. It is optimal to keep just enough distance that they can't turn around and hit you, but stay close enough to make them really uncomfortable. It is also suggested you constantly stare at them and manically laugh when they see you (or only laugh when they pick something up, speak, or something else of that nature).



One day Lo Pan followed a woman around for hours, even when she tried to get in her car and ditch me. I followed her all the way to the police station, where she got out of her car and raced for the door. So I wasn't going to let her win this one! I ran faster, ran right past her. I swung open the doors of the police station and screamed, "Help, there's a crazy lady following me!!!" Everyone just stopped and looked at me blankly. Then I added "...and she's a terrorist!!!"

The police pushed me to the side, dropped her to the ground, gave her a good taser shot and carried her away. Last I heard she was still in Guantanamo....Ha ha.... Good times....



Owl Crap Collector



I can only hope that one day my collection of owl crap is big enough to show it off at the next state fair! You find the damndest things in owl crap; mice skulls, sticks, skittles wrappers. Every owl crap is unique and like a present waiting to be opened!





Convenient Store Employee Tormentor



This is hours of fun and the joy is truly endless. Here are some of my favorites:

Fire In The Hole: Fill up the biggest slurpie you can, yell "Fire in the hole!", and throw it behind the counter. Everyone gets a good laugh!
Hide The Tuna: Open one of the tuna pouches they have for sell (or bring your own), and dump it in a secret hiding space. Go back every day and see how bad the smell gets. The moment the stink is gone indicating they found it, plant another hidden treasure in a new spot!
The trap door: It's a little known fact that EVERY convinient store has a trap door behind the counter. This trick is the ultimate but requires total dedication to the point where you must become a convinient store employee in order to pull it off sucsessfully on one of your co-worker. Check out the video below. Fun ensues!



Lo Pan's Mid-life Crisis Quiz


Lo Pan is in a strange dilemma. I hate old people, but I'm old myself. Coming up on 300 years old, I thought to myself recently if I was ever going to go through a mid-life crisis and become one of the old farts that I despise. But then it came to me, it's really not old people that I hate, it's stupid old people that I hate, and if I could do my part in helping old people not be stupid, then what a great service that would be for the world in general. So if your getting up there in age, take this quiz and heed my helpful tips, and we can all make this world a better place!



Convertibles:

Once you are over 40, they don't make you look cool or young. They make you look sad and pathetic. When you pull up next to a car full of teenage girls blasting Boston out of your stereo, the last thing they are thinking is how good you look. Lo Pan suggests buying a truck but keep in mind jacking it up and putting a sticker over the windshield that says "NO FEAR" is just telling the world you have a small penis. Just buy a truck and leave it alone.

Miata: 3 points - This is the official mid-life crisis car.



Crystler Labaron: 5 points - Shows the world at once that your old and have no style.

(Add 1 point if you have a customized license plate.)



Hair:

For most men, hair loss is an inevitability. So have a little self respect and do not attempt any of the below methods of shaming yourself. Lo Pan suggests shaving it bald (your head that is.)

Combover: 3 points - Your not fooling anyone and your a mustache away from looking like a molester.


Skullet: 5 points - Friends don't let friends grow skullets.


(Add 1 point if you use Just For Men)



Trophy Wives:

These women are way to much trouble than they are worth. No one thinks your a stud for landing a gold digger who's half your age and sleeps around on you. Lo Pan suggests marrying someone you feel comfortable farting around, but make it clear they are not allowed to fart around you. EVER!

Over 15 years younger: 3 points - Sure, they're great in bed, but so are hookers.


Over 30 years younger: 5 points - The mental image of these 2 in bed just made Lo Pan vomit in his mouth.


(Add 1 point if your wife carries a small dog with her wherever she goes.)



What's your score?


0-2 points: Congratulations! You have avoided looking like a retard during your mid-life crisis.
3-5 points: You've made some bad decisions, but it's nothing you can't correct. Take Lo Pans advise for where you fell short and everything will be ok.
6-8 points: Your in deep. Just remember that wherever you go, people are are laughing at you.
Over 9 points: There is no help for you. You make Lo Pan sick. Get off my website!



New Videos and Pictures That Please Lo Pan!



Click one of the links above!



Ghost Stories That Please Lo Pan


Studying the paranormal is a hobby of Lo Pan's and this is one of the weirdest ones I've ever come across.

Click here if you want to be freaked out!
Warning: Not for the faint of heart.


What are you going to be for Halloween?





HAPPY BACON DAY!!! (October 5th)




Click here for the Bacon Day Song!



Techno Bacon


Thanks to Lo Pan Fan Dan B for his hours of hard work to bring Techo Bacon into production just in time for Bacon Day!



Grow your own Bacon Pet!




1 - First, get 2 strips of bacon (preferably apple wood smoked.)
2 - Then, put them in the sink with a banana and a bowl of water (the little tykes love to eat!)
3 - Finally, rip the soul out of a Starbuck's Barista and place it in the bacon with an Entrapment Of Eternal Suffering spell.

It's that easy!!!


Top 10 Reasons Why Poor Kids Don't Deserve Health Care




10. They aren't old enough to vote.
9. The money will come from taxing tobacco, and smokes are already too expensive.
8. Funding s-chip any further would bring America one step closer to communism.
7. We must allow natural selection to run it's course.
6. The average child goes through 60 diapers per week, indicating that children are bad for the environment. Supporting kids equates to supporting Global Warming.
5. Pro Life only means making sure their born.
4. Less children means less flaming bags of poop on the doorstep.
3. Because Fox News says so.
2. Law of averages dictates that some of these children will one day be terrorists. Providing these children health benefits would be funding Al Qaeda .
1. What doesn't kill you makes you stronger.



On a serious note, this one is a no brainer. Over the past 5 years, Lo Pan has grown to hate Republicans and Democrats equally. Change must come from us; we the people. There are so many issues that should not be politicized, and this is one of them. We cannot trust the media to give us the full story on anything. How sad is it that the majority of Americans get their political news from a propaganda news network or a 30 minute comedy show? I urge you to check the facts for yourself for EVERY issue. Knowledge is power my friends, yet there are few things in this world more destructive that one who holds a strong opinion on matters they know nothing about.

Care For Kids - Sign a quick and easy petition that will be sent to your local congressional representative.




International Bacon Appreciation Day October 5th


“Better beans and bacon in peace than cakes and ale in fear.”- Aesop 575 BC



Let it hence be known that this October 5th, in the year of 2007, and every October 5th forward shall be the International Bacon Appriciation Day! So let it be written, so let it be done. Bacon is God's gift to carnivores, the candy of the cured meats. Bacon is a wonder to be celebrated on all levels of being; physically, emotionally and spiritually. October 5th is a day all of this world may rejoice in the succulent and savory wonder that is Bacon!



"And on the eve of the first day of Bacon, Lo Pan did declare the commandments of Bacon Day."



1. Thou shalt partake much of the bacon feast, both in variety and in quality.
2. Thou shalt cook all manor of delicious bacon filled foods. Yeah, even bacon cream cheese stuffed mushrooms and BLTs.
3. Thou shalt rejoice in the glory that bacon has bestowed upon the world, and spread the word of truth with all. And thou shalt not be hesitant to spread the word of bacon to a single soul. Nay, not unto the Jewish man, nor unto the Muslim, nay, not even unto the Frenchman, for all are granted the love and bounty of bacon.



Supporters of Bacon Day




In lieu of the coming celebration that is Bacon Day, please enjoy the assortment of bacon related gifts I bestow upon you!



Miss Bacon 2007




Raise Bacon Awareness

Bacon Lifestyle




Demon Kitty Meow Meow Celebrates Bacon Day!





Kevin Bacon


One of the most versatile actors this world has ever seen. Not unlike his namesake, Kevin Bacon goes good in every movie. There is not a role he cannot play, and not a movie he cannot better by being in it.



The Official Bacon Day Sandwich and Drink







Lo Pan wishes you a Happy Bacon Day this Friday!!!