Ask Lo Pan

Keywords

These are (no joke) actual keywords that were used in searches that made their way to asklopan.com.

pictures of female plumbers butt crack
bacon gifts
women pictures mid-life crisis
cheeries as emo symbols why
handicap bathroom etiquette
explosive diareah in public videos
bible verses for expectant moms
crying while eating and cats that look like hitler
pictures of men with foreskins
leather clad japanese women
horse genitals
foreskins
men ask the damndest things
running white man
bible verses used by navy seals
mr rogers
pull your pans dan
bacon gifts
catfight thailand hairpulls
picture of men free balling
crying while eating
owl crap
no paper towels down toilet pan please dave
photograph monkey throwing crap
confronting filth in a bathroom
lizardmen bush
small penis
ugly chicks

Capitolism!

Operators are standing by!

Capitolism!

Your soul is mine!

Crack makes you skinny!

When did basketball start sucking so bad?

Just about this time ever year, Lo Pan starts to get excited for his favorite sport; basketball. It’s actually the only sport Lo Pan really enjoys watching for the exception of the occasional cock fight. But this year, I do not find the joyful anticipation of the days of yore, but a numb melancholy with a pinch of jaded angst. What the hell happened to basketball? As a long time resident of Chinatown, CA, I have been a long time Laker fan. Many nights well spent at the Forum with my favorite concubines, watching Magic and Kareem scrub the floor with opposing teams. Now the only thing exciting about my Lakers is who will Kobe rape next or will the ref I paid off actually pull through.

I love this sport and have some good ideas to submit to the NBA for things I would like to see change. Please join me in this online petition, to help Basketball to come back as one of the truly great sports!

Prison Basketball League

This would be something like The Running Man meets White Men Can’t Jump, all wrapped into one big reality TV show. Now I know, I know, reality TV shows are lame, but ask yourself, is it the show that’s lame, or the disturbing lack of violence? Take the lamest reality TV show for example; the Bachelor. A bunch of hoochies fighting for the love of one man to ultimately gain their 15 minutes of fame. Well, what if they really did FIGHT every show. A battle royal of hotties in a huge cat fight, hair and nails flying everywhere and at the end of each show the bachelor rates them on their fighting prowess and kicks the weakest one off. If this were a real show, Lo Pan would Tivo this and quit his job. Prison ball would be a no rules, no holds bared streetball game. The winning team at the end gets set free, the losing team have to fight superheros in a gladiator arena for our enjoyment.

Combine basketball and hockey

Hockey without fighting would be so boring. Right now basketball is boring, but if the rules were changed to make no out of bounds (just a big chain link fence), body checks and just a short penalty time for a sweet fight, then it would be hands down the coolest sport in the world.

Midgets

I don't know what it is, but midgets make everything cooler.

Take the ugly chicks out of the WNBA

In other words, get rid of the entire WNBA and replace it with hot chicks and trampolines. The following mathematical equation should explain:

Ugly Man Chicks + Mediocre Talent < Cool

Hot Chicks + Trampoline >= Sweet!

Recruit Prince and the Revolution

For those in the know, enough said. For those who don't have a clue, just watch this:

Lo Pan Buys the Lakers

I have been thinking about it and may very well do so. With my evil mystically powers, I could bring some real ball players to the game that would be unbeatable. Ladies and gentlemen, your Chinatown Lakers!!!

Natural Selection - What can you do to help?

The 20th century was a monumental time in human history for the advances of human rights. Rights that should be allowed and bestowed upon all. But somewhere within this universal awakening of society, the line became blurred so much that an extra group of humans were added into the mix. A group that through any other species of creature is always weeded out for the progression of the species. The runts, the mongrols, in a nutshell; STUPID PEOPLE. Not unlike a virus or a plague, they have been allowed to multiply at such an alarming rate, that they will soon be the majority (if they aren't already.)

We as a society have tied the hands of natural selection by not only caring for stupid people, but rewarding them. When spilling McDonald's coffee in the drive through becomes a cool 1 million dollars, we must reflect as a whole on what we are doing to mankind. These are people who would have been eaten by lions, or impaled while running with their spear, but are now rewarded when doing the modern day equivalent and surviving. This teaches others to be stupid and to not think for themselves, and the consequences have been systemic. These people now teach our children, police our communities, and govern our countries. I do not promote any violent means to remedy this problem, but only to analyze where we have imposed upon nature and what we can do to reverse this trend. My first example of many I will pose to you over time.

Warning Labels

Warning labels may be one of the leading causes of stupid people surviving when they truly should not, however they should not be abolished entirely. While one warning label may stop Cletus from shoving his hand into a running lawn mower to unclog the grass, another may save a child of a stupid parent from folding them into their stroller while they are still strapped in it.

Sigh...

Warning labels that should be removed:

"For external use only!" -- On a curling iron.
"Do not use in shower." -- On a hair dryer.
"Do not drive with sunshield in place." -- On a cardboard sunshield that keeps the sun off the dashboard.
"Do not iron clothes on body." -- On packaging for a Rowenta iron.
"Not to be used as a personal flotation device." -- On a 6x10 inch inflatable picture frame.
"Do not attempt to stop the blade with your hand." -- In the manual for a Swedish chainsaw.

Warning labels that should stay:

"Please keep out of children." -- On a butcher knife.
"Do not use for drying pets." -- In the manual for a microwave oven.
"For use on animals only." -- On an electric cattle prod.
"Look before driving." -- On the dash board of a mail truck.

Sadly, these are real warning labels. For more, check out Things People Said.

Lo Pan Hates Flying

Let it hence be known, that I David Liam Lo Pan, HATE flying. Everything about it, from sitting next to the sweaty 500 pound man that smells like a bag of buttholes that you left in your hot car, to the 4 year old spawn of Satan child across the isle that just sits there staring at you. (Little know fact: You are not legally allowed to punch the child in the face, though you can tell them there is no Santa and mock them while they weep in their mothers arms).

So there I was, on a flight back from Thailand. I had a horrible cold so I took some cough syrup right before the flight. Well, I don't know what is in that Thai cough syrup, or maybe I wasn't supposed to drink the whole bottle, but things started getting very weird. As I sat curled in a ball in my seat, clutching my complimentary pillow for dear life, I felt completely helpless! But then, there it was. A beacon of hope. The emergency procedures manual on the chair in front of me. “I'm saved!” I yelled to the dismay of others as I hurriedly grasped for the instructions to save me from this hell.

And did it help? NO! There was all this crap about safely exiting the plane and stuff like that. So I have carefully constructed my own Emergency Procedure Manual of life saving tips that would have helped me with all I encountered on this flight. Feel free to print it out and take it with you on your next flight. The life that you save, may be your own.

Click here for full image

For more sweet pics like this, check out Airtoons.com

Internet Generators That Please Lo Pan

Motivational Poster Generator - Make your own motivational posters.

Pagan Name Generator - Find out your pagan name.

Picasso Painting Generator - Create your own Picasso painting!

Pimp Name Generator - If you don't already have a pimp name, this is very handy.

Evil Clown Generator - Great for kids of all ages!

South Park Character Generator - Create a South Park character in your own likeness.

Tombstone Generator - Fun for the whole family!

Church Sign Generator - Impress your friends!

Magazine Cover Generator - You to can be a star like me!

Lo Pan the Director

Studying under the tutelage of my lord and master, Stephen Groo (Wolf Productions), I now feel that I am ready to dive into directing. As a young boy I was taught the ways of the birds and the bee's, and what it is to be a man by watching woman exercise videos. Now, I pay homage to the greats of the past, with a Lo Pan twist that will keep you coming back for more. Enjoy! (Safe For Work)

Websites That Please Lo Pan

I am often asked questions like, "Lo Pan, where can I find a website of cats that look like Hitler?" and other such valid questions, that while not being a problem that can be solved by solutions such as destroying a frozen yogurt shop, should be answered in their own right. So you wanted it, you got it: Websites that please Lo Pan! Disclaimer: These are all safe for work with the exception of the occasional naughty word, but I don't monitor these websites on a daily basis, so you browse away from asklopan.com at your own risk. In other words, if you click a link and see boobies, don't come crying to Lo Pan.

Cats That Look Like Hitler - This is where I found my beloved Demon Kitty Meow Meow.

History of Michael Jackson's Face - Yet another celebrity that has suffered the wrath of Lo Pan! Muwahahahaha!!!

How to ask your girlfriend to hold hands - More difficult than one may think.

Wolf Productions - One of the greatest producers of our time! You do yourself a great disservice by not viewing at least one of his great movies!

Celebrities With Phones - A searchable archive of pictures of celebrities with phones!

Universal Life Church - Become a legally ordained minister of your own religion for FREE in a few easy clicks!

A Treasury of Macrame Owls - A true gem.

Brokeback Bunny Mountain - Brokeback Mountain in 30 seconds re-enacted by bunnies.

Lo Pans Pet Peeve

Look, I love animals as much as the next guy. In fact I often take Demon Kitty Meow Meow with me to Petsmart, the graveyard, etc. But this is where I draw the line. Taking Rex to the local Sears photo studio to have your picture taken together angers Lo Pan beyond description. Perhaps I can illustrate this by providing you with a a flowchart.

People Lo Pan Wants To Kill Hierarchy

Lo Pan needs a hobby

Lo Pan has been getting very bored lately. Torturing, partying and womanizing isn't as fun as it used to be for me. Perhaps it is the lack of challenge, perhaps I am growing up. I have found myself getting soft around the edges and I felt it was a time for a change of pace.

Badminton

I picked up the phone and chatted with my old friend Death for a bit. He suggested badminton. While I admit it was fun, I quickly became tired of losing and of Death's persistent taunting. As one of the few people in the universe who can dare do such a thing without fear of having their tongue torn from their mouth, his verbals jabs became unbearable and a bit hurtful. So I thought I'd try something else...

Curling

So there I was, up late at night, eating some chowder and watching reruns of Alice (you show me a funnier tag line than “kiss my grits” and I'll...Wait, I guess there is “what you talkin bout Willis”. Ah, I digress...). Any who, this commercial comes on for the coolest thing I've ever seen... Curling! Watch the cool commercial above... These guys are really having a blast right? Well, I'll tell you this, curling sucks and it's really a front for swingers parties, which encompasses 2 of the things I was trying to get away from.

I actually was up for the party at the time, but it turned out not to be the kind of party I thought. I still can't get this horrible image out of my mind. As I cried all night curled up in the bottom of my shower crying”Can't....get....clean...”, I thought all was lost.

Then it cam to me. The problem with these hobbies is that they involved other people and I finally realized the problem. I HATE PEOPLE. Humans in particular. Demons and succubuses are ok, but I really just need a little me time. So I reached into my soul, and finally found what I had truly been looking for...

Art

I just started working with different artistic mediums, and all of the joy I had been lacking suddenly at once filled me up with love and happiness. So, please enjoy some of my artistic creations. From Lord Demon Bunny to my comics, I have found that deep down inside, I am an artist.

Comics

Photography

Sculpture

Lo Pan's Gifts and Crafts

Lo Pan is pleased to announce the grand opening of Lo Pan's Gifts and Crafts, located at 407 I Ching Way, China Town, CA 95072! Here you can find a wide variety of gifts, crafts, nick-nacks, and cards for all occasions. Check out some of the great products above and below. If you would like to purchase any of these products, just click the Email Lo Pan link at the top of the page!