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These are (no joke) actual keywords that were used in searches that made their way to asklopan.com.

pictures of female plumbers butt crack
bacon gifts
women pictures mid-life crisis
cheeries as emo symbols why
handicap bathroom etiquette
explosive diareah in public videos
bible verses for expectant moms
crying while eating and cats that look like hitler
pictures of men with foreskins
leather clad japanese women
horse genitals
foreskins
men ask the damndest things
running white man
bible verses used by navy seals
mr rogers
pull your pans dan
bacon gifts
catfight thailand hairpulls
picture of men free balling
crying while eating
owl crap
no paper towels down toilet pan please dave
photograph monkey throwing crap
confronting filth in a bathroom
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small penis
ugly chicks

Capitolism!


Humor-Blogs.com

Operators are standing by!


Click here to buy posters!
Click here to buy posters!

Capitolism!

Your soul is mine!

Crack makes you skinny!



"Who the hell is Lo Pan?", you may ask. Lo Pan is a child's laughter, a swift kick in the crotch, a prize at the bottom of a cereal box. He is all of the great things we hold dear in this world.

Simply yet unequivocally, Lo Pan is a catalyst in our world, here to purge the filth that natural selection is no longer able to cleanse. And for that Lo Pan, we thank you.



Lo Pan For President

Don't believe all the crap you've heard about having to choose a republican or a democrat. This fall, I, David Liam Lo Pan am running as an independent for President Of The United States! My fellow countrymen. I come before you today to say, you have a choice. You do not have to vote for McCain. You do not have to vote for Obama. You do not have to vote for the lesser of 2 evils when what you really know what you want is the greatest of all evils! The American party system has nothing to do about your parties candidate winning. It is all about your opponent parties candidate losing. So join me this fall, when we shall gloat in the face of our adversaries and say "Ha! You lost!".



My past political record proves I am the man who can take ANY candidate down!McCain? Obama? Jesus? Bring it on!!!











Ok, I've got to rant... Click here if you want to lend an ear to the serious side of Lo Pan.


Lo Pan's Phobias


Believe it or not, there are some things in this world that makes Lo Pan's skin just crawl and other things that make me afraid to leave the house. Yes, I, the great Lo Pan, do indeed have some phobias. However, after you see my reasons, I believe you too shall understand why we must work together to cleanse the world of these horrible creatures.

Horses



Take the stupidest animal in the world, make it 600 pounds, then tell people they should ride it and let it live in fields in our cities and countryside. This demon beast has been prophicied in the Bible as the bringer of the appocolypse (And I looked, and behold a pale horse: and his name that sat on him was Death.) These animals threaten humanity itself. They will go so far as to charge a moving car in order to attack their helpless victim.



Seals



Disguising themselves as cute cuddly sea creatures, these fowl creatures want nothing more than to eat children wading in the the shallow surf at the beach. Contrary to populare beleif, these evil preditors not only live in the artic, but also in sewers and amusment parks.



Clowns



First, just think what kind of screwed up person would want to dress like this. Next, consider these people seek out children in an attempt to make them "happy". Finally consider many walk away scarred for life by these interactions. Wait, did I mean clowns or Catholic priests? Hmmm... You decide.



Female Body Builders



Look, Lo Pan is very comfortable in his masculinity and is actually turned on by the thought of being with a woman who can beat him up. However, there is something very wrong with female body builders. I don't know if it's their weird faces, their freakish body, or just the fact that they also smell like old spice, but I will walk to the other side of the street to avoid them.



Carrot Top



With the body of a horse, the lust for childrens blood of a seal, the face of a clown, and the un-namable freakishness of a female body builder, Carrot Top embodies ALL that is evil in the world. Not only is he the anti-christ, even worse he has soiled the fine art of prop comedy and turned it it nothing but sad joke, just one step above mimes. Watching my old Galager VHS tapes has never been the same.




The Easter Bunny Is Evil

For anyone who still has doubts about an evil easter bunny roaming the streets after reviewing the evidence in Pictures That Please Lo Pan, this video provides indisputable proof!



Google Image Search = Pandora's Box



You know. I've come to the conclusion after years of surfing the web and stumbling upon some pretty damn disturbing pictures, that if you can think of it, someones done it and posted pictures on the internet. But even worse, things you would never think of in a million years are a common fetish (well, usually in Germany that is). So please enjoy this safe for work version of some pretty messed up pics I've found while searching normal phrases.

Cat


Tim feels left out that he doesn't have a vagina.



Hey honey. Could you put on your swimsuit, hop in the shower with the cat, and try to act sexy while you spay Whiskers down? Cool, thanks!

Christian kids


There actually being a market for something like this explains how Bush could go 2 terms.

Horse and buggy


What scares me most is that they are in a hotel and he has a name tag on. Note to self - google subservient man-horse con 2008.

Tea party


Next on the agenda, we seek ...a shrubbery!



I really don't want to know...

Baked beans


Somewhere, someone thinks this is sexy.



And somewhere, someone just threw up in their mouth.



Everything I Know About Sex I Learned From Star Trek




Chicks dig a man in uniform


The crazier she is in real life, the crazier she is in the sack

Girls like smarts

Don't trust a girl that shows more cleavage than a plumbers butt crack


Furries are nothing but trouble

Girls of all color are beutiful

Chicks dig guys with guns

...especially if they are batsh1t crazy

Some people are into weird stuff

...and thats ok

But never go Klingon

EVER!


Finally, while there is nothing sexier than an confident assertive girl

Make sure she always knows her place




Wish You Were Here!



The anime convention has been real fun, but I found out the hard way there are some places in Las Vegas you just shouldn't go while wearing a Sailor Moon outfit. While I'm flattered that some guys are willing to pay me $50 for whatever that "good time is", I was much to busy with all the fun things there are to do in Vegas to to find out what they meant. I won $20 playing nickel slots and got to meet Billy Cosby. As a side note though, the 99 cent Circus Circus breakfast buffet is not worth it. Oh, and Chris Angel is a dick, but I really don't want to get into all of that. Anyway, I'll be back soon. Peace out!




The Many Faces of Lo Pan



I have been asked numerous times a question I feel I must now put to rest once and for all. Who would win in a fight between me and Lo Lieh, the greatest martial arts actor of all time. This unfortunately is a question that cannot be answered. The raw energy that would be created by the sheer coolness of us fighting, let alone being at the same place at once would destroy the entire universe. Some scientists have even theorized that the big bang that created the universe came from Lo Lieh and I merely crossing paths across the void of nothingness. I can assure you this is not true as this is something I'm pretty sure I would remember, but hey, whatever floats your boat. To witness some of the awesomeness that would ensure, entice yourself with this clip of Lo Lieh.



As it were, I have not only been compared to Lo Lieh, but often times mistaken for him as well. As a matter of fact, I have been mistaken for many different people through out my long life. Perhaps it is my dashing good looks or my charismatic charm, but it is something I have just grown to accept. Here are some others I am often confused for. Enjoy.

Ming The Merciless



What can I say? An evil ruler of the universe who's got a way with the ladies. I mistake myself for Ming sometimes.

Kane From Poltergeist 2



I'm proud to be mistaken for this wonderful man as I too aspire to fill the nightmares of children everywhere!

Howard Marshall



While I do not deny that Anna Nichole Smith and I were an item at one time, I insist it was during her Guess Jeans / Playboy years. Well, and an occasional booty call after the whole Trim Spa thing, but hey. Don't judge me. You don't know me!!!

Keith Richards



This is the one I get the most. While I am a big time Rolling Stones fan I must admit I have devised a plan to kill Keith Richards so I can smoke his ashes, but oddly enough I hear he also plans to kill himself and smoke his ashes. I'm not sure how that would work, but if you ever see it on You Tube, let me know!


Lo Pan's Guilty Pleasures


Over time you have seen things that please Lo Pan and things that anger Lo Pan. From subservient chickens, to angry soccer moms, I have shared with you a plethora of knowledge that has only been given to me through the ages of my life. But never have I, David Liam Lo Pan, dared to share my deepest, darkest secrets with anyone until now. Yes, you, my family, have warmed up to me as none have ever done in the years of my existence. From Techno Bacon, to receiving random emails or praise with attached jpegs of poo, I feel I am truly blessed. So now I shall reveal to you a Pandora's box of Lo Pan's guiltiest pleasures. Enjoy these guilty pleasures that please Lo Pan.

Michale Gross


You may know him best as the actor who played the dad on the hit tv series of the 80's, Family Ties. This world renowned thespian as since gone on to such great works like Tremor's 4. But being the handsome man that he is and wanting to share the gift of beauty that God has bestowed up he, that is Michael Gross, he has moved on to much more wonderful things that one day may rid the world of hunger and cure Aids. Yes, the one thing that all of us at one time or another aspire to be when we dare to let our hopes and dreams stretch that far; a toy train pin-up model.



Color Guard

Lo Pan has been a flag-head (the nickname for us hardcore color guard fans), since the first day of my freshman year in high school. I was mesmerized be these multi-colored symbols of love, freedom and eternity, being weaved through the air like a tapestry of bliss by the schools most beautiful girls. I went to college for 10 long years to archive my masters in physical education, with one goal in mind; to become a teacher and mentor to my own high schools' color guard. However, despite my shining credentials and a passion that no other has ever shown for the art, I was denied my wishes. To make a long story short, after a series of unfortunate events, I am no longer allowed within 100 feet of a high school or any grass covered fields. Now, all I have is my memories and my poetry of a love lost...

Twirling flags of joy
Surrealistic ode to truth
Your colors bring faith



Ticking female plumbers as I flush dog food down a toilet while listening to jazz music

Yes, it's a mouthful, but this is one of lifes's greatest pleasures. Unfortunately, this is another story ending in unfortunate events. I am not allowed within 250 feet of a plumber, toilet or hardware store at any time. However, I have found a website that caters to this lifestyle. Dare you click the link below?